Building a family is one of life's most transformative experiences. The desire to parent exists across cultures and throughout generations. It's a universal truth and what I believ is also a universal right. The right to have a family belongs to everyone, but for many, the path to parenthood can be challenging. Whether due to infertility (as in the ASRM's definition of the word) or other unforeseen circumstances, many people turn to third party assisted reproduction in order to grow their families. And that's where I come in.
I have the privilege of guiding clients through the journey of becoming parents through surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and adoption. If I'm lucky enough, I get to meet my clients at the very start of their journey to support them until the day they bring home their baby from the hospital and beyond. In this blog post, I will share insights from a recent meeting with a gay couple who are at the very start of their famiyl building journey. Together we discussed options, alternatives, and what-ifs. Their excitement is palpable and I can't help but share in their joy. I thank my lucky stars that I get to call this my life's work.
Setting the Stage as a Fertility Attorney:
The Beginning of a Family
As always on days where I get to meet new clients (especially in person) I excitedly prepared the conference room in my office. I want to make sure everyone is comfortable before I throw a lot of information their way. They had contacted me a few weeks earlier, eager to learn about egg donation and surrogacy, so I knew they had already done some soul searching about how they wanted to grow their family. Our preliminary conversation laid a good foundation, but now it was time to get into the specifics.
When they arrived, I felt their enthusiasm mixed with nervousness. They are not alone; many intended parents experience similar emotions while exploring the unknown. When it comes to fertility law, the learning curve is steep. As a fertility attorney, my goal is to ease their worries by providing clear advice and creating a supportive space for discussion. It's my role to support them in whatever they choose, and to answer their specific questions along their path to become parents.
Step 1: Choosing an IVF Clinic
Selecting a fertility clinic is arguably the most important initial step in family building. Not all clinics are alike, and finding one that aligns with the couple's values and needs is essential.
We discussed various key factors, such as:
Success Rates: It's vital to know that over 40% of all IVF cycles with donor eggs lead to live births, but this statistic varies by clinic.
Treatment Options: Availability of different procedures and organization-wide policies can impact how well an IVF clinic can meet the couple's needs. For example, some clinics have policies regarding double embryo transfers or tandem surrogacy journeys.
Comfort Level: Visiting potential clinics is important, as hopeful parents need to feel at ease with the medical staff and the environment to support them throughout their journey. A clinic with excellent doctors can still be undesirable for intended patients if their staff is unfriendly and unhelpful.
The Importance of Choosing the Right Egg Donation Agency
The next topic we turned to was egg donation. I explained the different avenues available to them to match with an egg donor: working with an egg donation program at their IVF clinic, matching with a donor through an agency (whether anonymously, semi-open, or open identity), and considering having a willing friend be their egg donor. There is no wrong avenue to choose, so long as they are working with a reputable IVF clinic and an ethical egg donation agency. I shared my experience as an attorney with two specific egg donation agencies that are my favorites, and they had already decided to work with a leading IVF Clinic with locations throughout New England.
We had open and honest conversation about their family building goals including the number of children they wanted, and what qualities in an egg donor were important to them. I encouraged them to meet different agencies and ask questions of the agency and of one another to facilitate open dialogue between themselves as parents and transparency between themselves and their selected egg donation agency.
Determining Factors for Choosing an Egg Donation Agency
As our session progressed, we focused on narrowing down choices for egg donation agencies. I highlighted essential criteria, including:
Reputation and Reviews: I shared the egg donation agencies I've had the best experiences with (one New York based and one Boston based). Positive testimonials from other professionals and clients are invaluable to the decision-making process of intended parents.
Comprehensive Support Services: Agencies should provide thorough support throughout the entirety of the process. An agency that facilitates a match only and then sends couples on their way isn't providing an ideal service.
Diversity of Donors: Since the couple had specific criteria for their donor profile, we addressed prioritizing the agencies that had broad donor profiles.
Transparency in Processes and Fees: Understanding costs upfront is crucial. Many agencies provide detailed breakdowns, making budgeting easier for intended parents.
Going through these criteria helped the couple feel more confident in their decision-making process.
Legal Considerations in Surrogacy
As we explored each step in the surrogacy journey, I explained crucial legal aspects that must be carefully handled to ensure their parental rights were secured and protected. This is especially important under the current administration.
I outlined the importance of having a solid surrogacy agreement that clearly defines the rights and responsibilities of all parties involved and acts as a roadmap for the entire surrogacy journey. This includes intended parents, the surrogate, and the surrogate's spouse or partner. A comprehensive agreement not only mitigates risks but also manages expectations and builds trust among all parties in the arrangement.
For more about what is included in a surrogacy contract: See:
Reflections on a Collaborative Journey
As our meeting came to a close, I could see that the couple felt more confident about their initial decisions and empowered to take the next steps on their path to parenthood. They expressed gratitude for the insights I shared, and excitement about moving forward. (Me too!)
My work is a daily reminder that family building through assisted reproduction isn't only a legal process; it is a journey that requires compassion, support, guidance, and of course, sharing in the joy. It is an honor to assist individuals and couples in building families and I look forward to witnessing this couple as they take their next steps in their journey.
Embracing the Journey to Parenthood
The outset of the path to parenthood through assisted reproduction can feel overwhelming. The journey itself is emotional, and legally intricate. It's my job to provide clarity and support throughout. Whether you are an LGBTQ+ couple looking to grow your family or a single individual considering your options to become a parent, working with a knowledgeable and compassionate fertility attorney is invaluable.
As I think back on my meeting with this couple, I appreciate them trusting me with the most valuable aspects of their life: their family.
As we recognize and celebrate the diversity of family-building options today, it is crucial that intended parents are informed and supported in their journey. As a fertility attorney, I aim to create a safe space filled with knowledge and reassurance. If you are contemplating egg donation, surrogacy, embryo donation, IVF, or other form of assisted reproduction as a way of becoming a parent, remember that you are not alone. You have a dedicated team ready to navigate every step of this meaningful journey.
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